Life is what you make it. My journey towards the life I want.

My life seems to be one vicious cycle of mishaps. So far the only things I have been able to count on are disappointment, heartache, and turmoil. I thought that would all change in New York. Some how I gave into this fantasy of a happy and easy life far from the one I have been accustomed to. Boy, was I wrong.

It is true what is said about your problems following you whereever you go. I thought that leaving Connecticut was the end all be all solution to the issues in my life. In New York I would finally be free from my torturous relationship with my ex-boyfriend. In New York I would not have to worry about rent. In New York, I would finally be able to take life by the horns and live the life I have always dreamed of. Instead I am left wondering if I am cut from the same cloth as the people who make it in this city, or if I will be consumed by “The Big Apple.”

From the first day I arrived in NY, I have dealt with one struggle after another. I had to fight to have my tuition paid, I had to fight to get out of the tumultuous relationship I was in and I am still fighting the inner demons that have been chasing me for most of my life.

I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to improve myself and my situation. Taking initiative, I figured the best place to start was with a thorough self examination. The first step to solving a problem, is admitting that you have one. Eventually, I arrived at the common denominator of all of my issues - me.

So far, I have found that the hardest part of improving my life is cutting through the bullshit. I had been consuming it and dishing it out for so long that initially it was hard to differentiate between the hard core truth and the lies that I have been allowing in my life. Looking closely at the daily interactions in my life, I realized that I had to start by telling myself the truth. Why do I have financial problems? When am I going to catch a break? Why aren’t things going my way? These are the questions I had been asking myself.

After some serious soul-searching I was able to answer these questions. Knowing that I don’t have all the answers and solutions, I decided that it was best that I seek professional help. I recently began seeing a therapist that is trained to deal with clients that have been molested, abused, and raped - like me. Taking this step and really acknowledging these problems has lifted such a huge burden off my chest.

Allowing my issues to consume me has been holding me back from my full potential. The biggest lesson that I have learned on this journey to self- recovery is that I can achieve the success I desire when I decide that I deserve it. I am half-way convinced.