"Thank you for sharing the article! The statistics you shared about domestic violence turned my stomach. I am very passionate about this topic which is why I've been working to empower girls and their moms by raising their self-esteem." -Janine Freidman, Life Coach for Moms
He was arrested and charged, her photo was circulating the internet like wild fire. 64,000 Google searches later and we still don’t know the true story, so why is it eerily familiar? Our undying curiosity and fascination with celebrity news has brought some much needed attention to a matter that affects 33 million women, men, and children in America- Domestic Violence. While we all may speculate on the circumstances surrounding the incident with R&B singers Chris Brown and Rihanna, we cannot ignore this dirty little secret any longer. Where does the problem finally end and the solution begin? Why is this epidemic growing and increasingly affecting our youth?From birth children are taught about relationships, dating, and sex from a plethora of sources. Our families, our friends, and the media all teach us how to function in society. Every princess has a prince charming, every popular girl on television has a boyfriend, and all of our unmarried aunts complain about how desperately they need a man. We are shown that our own existence is not complete without someone to share our accomplishments and happiness with. We become so focused on finding our perfect mate, that in most circumstances we completely neglect to work on ourselves. It is during this time of misguided thinking that you encounter others that are just as lost as you are. A mix immaturity, bad advice, and hormones creates the perfect recipe for disaster. The example of Chris Brown and Rihanna should teach us all a lesson about ourselves and our values, shifting us toward an attitude of change and understanding.
Stephanie Habegger, of Safe Haven, serves as a councilor to clients dealing with Domestic Violence and Rape in the Waterbury, CT area. She deals with with situations like the R&B Stars on a daily basis. Safe Haven of Greater Waterbury served over 4,500 clients in 2008 alone; contrary to the the fact that the Waterbury Police Department reports only 1,222 victims and only 469 arrests in 2007 (Family Violence Statistics from the WPD were not available at press time for 2008). Stephanie shared that , “The cycle of violence begins at home. Not necessarily from being abused but from watching it, it becomes normal. I did my own children a disservice 20 years ago by staying in an abusive relationship and telling them what they saw was ok, and it was not. There are a variety of reasons people abuse…between the media and our own beliefs, all these things combined. Take for example the media. What did we just see? They questioned girls, and the response (from the girls) was ‘she must have done something to him.’, ‘what did she do?’ Once that first blow has been struck there should never be a question about what she did.” She continued, “…This incident was not isolated, there is no such thing. There was self destruction going on all along, there were incidences before that, that she did not identify- ‘I was just playing, I was just teasing, you pissed me off.’ It begins so subtle.” Stephanie also explained that the most common and effective forms of Domestic Violence are verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse, however many women have a hard time identifying it as actual abuse because it is not physical.
Louise Holmstead*, believes that the “ridiculous standards that society holds women to,” and low self-esteem contributed to her abuse. During the courtship with her abuser, they could not get enough of each other, Louise recalls that they spent “everyday together, we were best friends, but he manipulated me.” Three months into their marriage when she became pregnant, he became very distant. Eventually he began to “break and smash things, he threatened to poison the animals, and he became emotionally abusive daily… he was always so nice to me when we had company. He always seemed perfect to friends and everyone, it was then that I saw the glimpses of the man that I fell in love with, that’s what kept me hanging on.” Louise is grateful everyday that she made it out of her relationship alive, especially when 34% of women homicide victims over the of age of 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (National Women Abuse Prevention Project) According to Dr. Kevin Fullin “a third of all women's injuries coming into our emergency rooms are no accident. Most are the result of deliberate, premeditated acts of violence. And frequently they occur over and over until the woman is killed." (American Medical Association, public service ad, Time magazine) Louise strongly believes that the book she attributes to saving her life, ‘Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ by Lundy Bancroft, should be required reading for middle school and high school students. She believes that it would be a tool for prevention and self awareness and that it would “combat what is put in our culture (about women) . . . The most valuable lessons that I learned (from my situation) was to understand what my boundaries are, also to always protect myself, and to be careful about whom I trust. I also learned to make better judgment calls, and I’m still struggling not to let people take advantage. I have to stay around the right people, and keep balance in my life.”
The biggest tragedy about Domestic Violence, is that is transcends class, race, and social status. "Approximately one third of the men counseled for battering are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and in their communities. These have included doctors, physiologists, lawyers, ministers and business executives." (David Adams, "Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You Be the Judge." Boston Bar Journal, July/August, 1989) On the other hand according to reports, about one third of female murder victims were killed by an intimate, someone who had a previous criminal history. What is being done about this? Doesn’t the government realize that family violence is beginning of a violent life for most criminals? While there have been state and federal laws passed to protect children against bullying, which probably has something to do with family violence, there are no programs that teach students about self awareness and how to prevent domestic violence situations in their own future relationships despite what they may see at home. It is evident that politicians have other things in mind. Take for example, Mayor Michael Jarjura of Waterbury, CT who spent over a million dollars on two city golf courses last year with additional funds pending. Recent reports in the Waterbury Republican American showed that the city has committed zero dollars of the budget surplus for educational sources. Perhaps if the Mayor did not enjoy golf so much, he would not be completely blind to the fact that he is really doing his city a disservice. Jarjura has also set aside $394,000 for the purchase of an additional eight squadron cars. Is it probable that the same money being used for police cruisers could also be used for the prevention and awareness of violence, therefore making the additional vehicles unnecessary? For the entire Greater Waterbury area, there is only one community educator whose primary responsibility is educating at health fairs and has a very limited script for schools especially regarding sexual violence; there is also a victim services unit at the Police Department that was unavailable for comment at press time. Does Mayor Jarjura know that 50% of all teenage relationships are violent? Doesn’t he know that it costs us so much more to ignore these issues? We all have an obligation to the youth of this country to protect them from any and all occurrences of violence and abuse. Sweeping problems under the proverbial rug only works for so long, in the end the same tax dollars are spent on court cost and legal fees instead of on prevention. When will we start looking at the root of the problem, instead of focusing on the end result? In the long run, no matter how you view it, it is less costly to be proactive rather than reactive. Take for example 9/11.
Domestic and Family Violence will not end over night, but our change must begin today. Mandatory self-esteem classes and workshops for middle school and high school students would prove to be more effective not only in reducing the number of domestic violence victims, but also reduce the rate of teen pregnancy. Imagine a world where instead of teaching girls about sex we educate and empower them to understand and know their self-worth, where we would actually teach them that demanding respect for themselves is ok and should not be punished, we have to show them how to be better decision makers to avoid our mistakes. We must also teach them that love thrives only when you love yourself first- despite what the media is feeding you. Stephanie Habegger also points out that we must not only have a clear definition of love for ourselves, but we must also make sure that our definition matches with our partners. “Just because someone abuses you doesn’t mean that they don’t love you, everything is relative- is that the kind of love that you want and deserve?”
If you or someone you know is, or has been a victim of Domestic Violence know that you are not alone and there is help for you. You can begin by confiding in someone you trust or by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, they can connect you with someone in your local area to help you get out safely.
"Domestic Violence is an infection that has weakened the underpinnings of society's structure...a contagion that has ravaged the human spirit for generations." Jane Zeller, Co-director, Silent Witness National Initiative. U.S. Department of Justice Conference: S.T.O.P. Violence against Women.
Brandice M. Taylor-Davis aka Theory, a domestic violence and rape survivor, is a freelance writer living in New York City. You can contact her at theoryfanmail@yahoo.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Share your theory with us, we all want to know what you think. Be careful, I comment back.